relery.untamed
Open Hearts Open Minds
None of us have ever experienced what is happening in our world today. When things change, it can be uncomfortable; raising confusion and dissonance inside of us that we weren’t expecting. My experience with our current global situation has taken me down what feels like an internal “memory lane”. Lights that were bright got a little more dim, and then without warning, everything suddenly everything goes black. Groups of specific animals and species live in this darkness, thriving while the rest of the world sleeps. I’m envious of creatures who feel alive in the night when things appear silent and inactive. I wish I could relate to a nocturnal sense of living while “in the dark”. For me, it just feels like what it is. Dark. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 17. I believe I had been living with it for years prior to giving it an official title which helped explain the throat closing, lung-emptying pit of nothingness I felt more prevalently. Depression was something I was very familiar with. I’d observed it on a daily basis growing up, existing at extreme levels between my mother and father. I’d unintentionally been granted a front-row seat right in the middle of it all -- nowhere to hide and nothing I could do to help or fix it. I remember one day in particular. It was during my senior year of high school. I walked into school, feeling completely numb. The colors didn’t look as vibrant as they usually did and my mind didn’t wander or get lost like it always seemed to. All I wanted to do was hide and make myself invisible. I weaved throughout the hallways, mindless and entirely blank. Gazing into the eyes of people passing with no connection or desire to engage. Feeling a complete shutdown of my natural instincts to connect with everyone at any given time. The best way I can describe what I was experiencing is feeling everything so deeply that I actually felt nothing at all. This seemed like a strange concept to me until I realized much later in my adult life that this was a very strong protective mechanism I had built to block out pain. I’d gotten so used to having to shut my feelings down and swallow them that it became second nature for my guards to go up before I even realized something was wrong. Something I still battle today. That day, everything around me seemed to slow down and blend together - nothing coming in, nothing going out. I felt extraordinarily lethargic and flat; I couldn't produce a smile if I tried. It felt almost as if someone was operating all the functions within my body, puppeteering my legs to move and head to nod on autopilot. I ate lunch in my orchestra room to avoid conversations or ridicule for why I appeared “down”. My nickname had [sarcastically] become “sunny” - and it wasn’t because anyone thought I was positive or brightened up a room. They just didn’t know. After lunch, I returned to English class where the tears that began to fall wouldn't stop, watching as the ink on my papers collided together. I couldn’t explain why, and they fell without asking. I removed myself and hid in the bathroom until I’d synced up class time well enough to know that when I walked back in, I wouldn’t be noticed. I went home that day expecting to walk into an empty house. My parents were rarely home or present most days. No cars in the driveway, coast was clear. All of the feelings that had hid themselves deep in the crevases of my heart were now feeling safe to come out --All at once. I walked in through my front door and collapsed to my hands and knees. Sobbing gut-wrenching, horror cries. I remember searching for something I could grasp onto in my mind to conceptualize the way I was feeling, but all I could pay attention to was the desperate sinking and emptiness of my stomach as it exhausted air. Feeling as though my chest was closing in on itself, picturing it caving in and collapsing my insides. Everything tightly bound with restraints within me, crying to break free in the next breath. I desperately gasped as I drew the air in, feeling that no amount would ever be enough to bring relief. That’s when I felt a hand on my back, realizing my Dad was kneeling down next to me on the floor, asking me what was wrong and how he could help me. When I heard his voice, I cried even harder, realizing that the only word I could mutter was, “Nothing”. Because that’s what I felt. Nothing; And everything; All at once. Flash forward 12 years and I remember these feelings like it all happened yesterday. They don’t come around as often, but when they do, I can spot them quickly and try to draw as much awareness to them as possible. One thing that took me a long time to discover was how "good" I was at protecting myself. I’d adopted busy-ness as my primary coping technique -- it appeared safest. Sports, orchestra, AP classes - be on the go, do all the things. It was an easy excuse to spend way less time dealing with myself and my home life. Now I'm an adult and still find myself crowding my plate and overflowing my glasses, Though, while a forced slowdown was likely needed in my life- it doesn't make it any less difficult to cope with. Truth is, these past few weeks have been HARD. Way harder on me than I ever thought it would be. And to be completely honest with you, sometimes I feel ridiculous for having the array of emotions and feelings I’ve been experiencing much more frequently than I'd like to admit. But I believe the most obvious reason they’re here is because I don’t have anything to distract me from them. They don’t have to hide from people, or jobs, or conflicts. My shielded heart protector is furloughed along with me, taking a break and telling me that sometimes it’s even good for me to do the same - even if it hurts and even if it's hard. The problem is, I don’t know how to take a break. My core fear in life is not having significance or purpose, and it terrifies me to live life meaninglessly. To understand this, we have to understand what defines purpose or what measures "meaning" - but I have a mindset that sets me up for failure. Because even if something is extremely significant and meaningful - I find myself constantly questioning if it's enough. I place an incredible amount of pressure on myself to create that along with expectations that are so high that I forget to enjoy the journey and the re-routes; the trenches and the airplanes. I forget that creating significance and fulfillment for ourselves in our lives doesn't show up with the snap of a finger. And I often forget that significance and purpose lies within the confines of one's own perspective - it can’t be measured. It's entirely subjective -- and it is whatever we create it to be. Glennon Doyle quoted in her new book, Untamed, She couldn't be more right. So when things grow dark, and when it seems others around you are thriving or embracing a period of life that you aren’t in. When your chest feels tight and when you sleep in until 1 pm. When you struggle to feel anything at all. And when it gets hard to navigate your path because everyone around you seems to have been given a pair of night-vision goggles that ran out when it was finally your turn; Remember that no one else in the world knows what you should do. Because no one has ever lived or will ever live a life you are attempting to live. Our lives are ours. And we need to stop asking for directions to places that others haven't been. Glennon was spot on -- there's no map to this thing. There's no right or wrong way. We are all pioneers, constantly discovering new land and territory to settle into. So own where you are, heaviness and all. It's a part of discovering how to find our way in the dark.
2 Comments
D
4/30/2020 02:44:54 pm
I'm sure it's not easy to share such deep personal reflection, or perhaps sharing it provides you with a sense of therapy. I don't know you that well but I commend you for laying it all on the line for anyone to read. I've never personally felt that I've struggled with depression so I can't claim to know your struggles, but I do think we (in general) tend to view life as great & adventurous. Not many post on social media about the bad days & the hard days, and comparing to that sometimes makes us wonder why we don't have it all figured out. All you can really do is keep your head down and keep going forward. Some days will not be so great, some days will be autopilot, but there will be days that make it all worthwhile. If sharing your internal thoughts/battles with the internet gives you a sense of relief, then keep on doing it. If helping others gives you a sense of fulfillment then keep on doing it. If you have to occasionally bury your head & cry, or stay in bed for days at a time, just know it is not permanent. From every great situation we gain memories, from every difficult one we gain knowledge. Press on Rachel, you're never alone.
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12/17/2021 07:11:29 am
I agree with you completely. Unfortunately, we are encouraged and inspired to be better worldly beings, and not spiritual beings. The world is so motivated by what our accomplishments are as members of this journey of acquiring wealth and status, and equate it with self worth. With no substance as a sentient being people have simply lost their way. Your perception is accurate and also gives me fuel to continue my journey of enlightenment and living open and free. We all move forward on that journey, and your words are a god=send just when they're needed. I look forward to more posts from you...*Prince Omari Noel*
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Becoming who I am without the world telling me who to be.-Rachel (R) Elery Archives
March 2021
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