relery.untamed
Open Hearts Open Minds
In March of 2020, Americans across the country were faced with one of the largest obstacles that we will likely see in our lifetime. A global pandemic that reached the United States in the form of a deadly virus that we weren’t prepared to take on; COVID-19. This forced government officials to take action -- and fast. It started as a trickle effect of suggestions and precautions, pushing the boundaries of what we could keep up and running as a nation. Drawing our own lines for how close we could get to one another. What we could do to adjust our workplaces to get away with the most and try to control the situation as best as we could until we were told otherwise. Well, that didn’t last long (thankfully) and strict measures were taken. The emergency brake was pulled on the train, forcing large parts of the country to go on a “break” -- and we were told to STAY HOME. What? Stay Home? Unemployment for millions of people? This screams rest and a hallelujah stay-cation for some (at first, anyway). For others, this is terror. Loss of income. Loss of structure. Loss of sanity. For some, this is a loss of years of work put in by small business owners to find out that they won’t be able to climb out of this. For some, this is being forced to stay home in an unhealthy environment. In toxic or abusive relationships, with neglectful parents or spouses. While some don't even have a home or a place to call "safe". An increase in anxiety, depressive thoughts, hopelessness, and fear quickly rises. Separation from friends and family, detachment from any sense of “normalcy” we’ve created in our lives to stay sane. There’s a million scenarios that fit the mold of how this pandemic is affecting us. All of us. And as a former healthcare professional, I understand the severity and seriousness of COVID-19 and the threat it poses to our service workers and anyone genetically or medically compromised. The reality is -- we don’t know enough about this thing to have opinions on how to handle it. We're better off leaving that to the epidemiologists and hundreds of others who study these trends and patterns for a living. All we can do is listen and respond responsibly, despite frustrations, opinions, or feelings. You wouldn’t think a stay-at-home order would be so difficult. I mean….someone indirectly tells you to stay in your pajamas if you want to, sleep in until you feel like it, and ride this thing out in order to keep our country safe? Under any other circumstances, this would feel like a slam-dunk win to me, who often feels burnt out and as though I need a breather from the routine day-to-day. But the reality is, this is far from “rest” for a lot of us. We can try to embrace parts of this experience, because there is definitely some good to be taken away. Especially learning to slow down in a world we’ve been conditioned to run so fast in. But this is a traumatic event. Healthcare workers are crying out to be protected and facing death counts that they can’t process or keep up with emotionally. Grocery stores are working fast and hard to keep everything as safe and clean as possible, stocking as quickly as they can. Some children aren’t being fed at home. People are having panic attacks regularly, thinking, “What’s next?” This is affecting everyone differently, as it should. And that is OK. It is OK to feel all of the things, always. Your feelings are yours; you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. Relief, stress, guilt, anger -- It’s real. I’m currently furloughed, playing the waiting game with a couple hundred-thousand others. I’ve been struggling the most with lack of motivation, and quickly entering cycles of self-demoralization and guilt due to feeling like I’m wasting precious time. There are people making a difference and working for something to contribute to this, and I’m here proud of myself for taking a walk everyday (not that this isn't a great accomplishment, so if this is you - GO, YOU!) I heavily struggled with these feelings prior to COVID-19, always justifying to myself that “if I just had the time” then I would accomplish so much more. I do believe at one point I wasn’t always this way. But it really does feel like it’s been a very long time since I’ve known the girl that was able to push herself from something stirring within. Who wasn’t so dang scared of just TRYING. Taking one step towards something. Something to know about me, and I’m sure I’ll talk about much, much more about this in the future -- I am extremely hard on myself. So much so that it numbs and paralyzes me from acknowledging what it is that I even feel or want on a regular basis. Everyday I feel an immense amount of pressure that no-one has placed on me except for myself. And that pressure doesn’t push me to do whatever I can to minimize it -- it shuts me down. It blocks my passions, my motivation, and any other stream of confidence I have to believe that I could contribute anything of significance to the world. When I first learned about the stay-at-home order, a part of me was so excited. It was the chance I had always hoped for to accomplish all of those things on my invisible checklist --- write a book, read 10. Exercise more. Teach myself this, learn how to do that. Join this volunteer group or organization. Make a difference. I’m sitting approaching week 5 of quarantine feeling as though I’ve accomplished next to none of those things, and my daily expectations of myself have had to shift drastically. Hell, I’m a fitness coach for a living and can’t motivate myself to exercise regularly or even close to the intensity that I was with no excuse anymore for it. It makes me feel like a fraud. How am I supposed to represent or stand for, encourage and empower others with something so important that I struggle to do myself? But I realized that it’s less about upholding an image of someone that you believe others expect you to be, and more about being honest about how you feel and what you’re experiencing. It is a weird time filled with a lot of uncertainty for many, and even more unknowns. What will the world look like when things start picking back up? What businesses will be up and running, which ones won’t make it back? How will our interactions and relationships with others be affected by this? Will this caution us to maintain more distance and precautions while in public, or will this bring us together even closer? Time will tell. But in the midst, know that you’re not alone in whatever range of feelings you’re experiencing. Whether they may seem silly, unjustified, irrational, frustrating, insensitive, or whatever else exists in the parameters of the millions of feelings that we are more than allowed to feel -- remember that no matter if you’re the healthcare worker, the stay-at-home mom/dad or single parent, the child with emotionally or physically absent parents, the ventilator production companies, the grocery store employees, or the unemployed -- We are all in this together.
7 Comments
Dave
4/13/2020 07:41:01 am
Love it daughter ! Keep up the good work !
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Malissa
4/13/2020 01:16:19 pm
In a time of uncertainty, where that light at the end of the tunnel seems to move further and further away and become more and more dim, your words are a lantern to guide others through that tunnel.
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Sophia
4/13/2020 01:28:51 pm
I just love this post so much, resonated with me deeply. I've been struggling a lot during this time, and I can't thank you enough for these words.
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Ryan
4/14/2020 06:07:34 am
This is all so great. I feel like everything you said is something I've either thought or felt at some point. You do a great job of communicating your thoughts and feelings, which I find difficult myself. Can't wait for more!
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Elizabeth Parker
4/14/2020 06:17:07 am
I’m excited for you Rachel. This is a huge “leap”! Just lead with your heart ❤️
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12/17/2021 06:59:09 am
I've recently been enlightened, and therefore exposed to the essence of you, and your writing as well. I intend to definitely follow you and experience what you are releasing into the cosmos. Already your writing has inspired and motivated me to continue my journey as a writer. Thank you. *Prince Omari Noel*
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Becoming who I am without the world telling me who to be.-Rachel (R) Elery Archives
March 2021
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